Following A New Path

I wanted to be an actor as long as I can remember. In grade school, I wanted to act. In middle school, I wanted to act. In high school, I wanted to act. I was voted Most Talented in my graduating class. I got a theatre scholarship in college. I paid my way through college working in the costume shop, performing Shakespeare, musicals, Tennessee Williams, learning acting techniques, honing my musical skills, rehearsing, writing, performing, performing, performing. It was my life. Has been my life for many years. And to be perfectly honest, I never felt...whole. I never really felt I was on the right path. I was on a fun path. An artistic path. A path where people either told me I was amazing and beautiful, or ten pounds too heavy and a little pitchy. But lately I've been on stage singing, making people laugh, the audience thrilled, thunderous applause, standing ovation in the offing, and I am thinking "...meh..."

So something has obviously changed. And I know what it is. I gave birth. I had kids and it opened my eyes to the fact that I just don't really have the passion for the theatre that a life's calling should have. I enjoy it. It makes me happy and brings happiness to others. But I don't need it.

So after figuring this piece of puzzle out, I have spent the last year or so trying to figure out what I do want to be doing with my life. I can't stay home full time, we need a second income, and frankly, I need adult conversation occasionally. We are both members of a comedy troupe, and I teach kids yoga, both of which are by turns incredibly frustrating and very rewarding. But I have been feeling rudderless since admitting that my passion for the theatre is in truth just an enjoyable pastime.

Then there was this friend. She was having her third baby. Her first two were c-sections and she wanted desperately to have a VBAC. I recently had my second home birth, and I could almost taste the envy in her voice when we talked about it. We talked a lot about her desire for a VBAC, her doctor's back peddling on "allowing" her to give it a try. I encouraged her to keep being firm when she talked to him and - as long as it wasn't a safety issue - to insist on at least trying to have her VBAC. I was very upset that she had to fight so hard to get a shot at what should have been the most natural thing in the world. I really wanted her to have her chance, and I told her all the things I had read about birth, about VBAC, about her amazing powerful body, that she could do it. And she did. She got her VBAC. She held her baby in her arms after using her own power to bring that baby into the world. She told the doctor "I told you I could do it." She told me "I just kept hearing your voice in my head saying that my body knew just what to do, and that I could do it."

And in that moment, I realized that I want to be that voice. I want to be the hand that gives comfort and reassurance when things get hard during a birth. I want to be with mamas as they labor and birth and tell them they can do it. I want to help women get the birth that they desire. Because birth isn't just about making babies. A mother is born every time a baby is, and feeling listened to and powerful when you give birth makes a mother who trusts herself and is sure of her own inner strength.

I am going to be a doula.

 

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